Thursday, February 28, 2008

Fixer Upper

A Little Dark Matter Will Go a Long Way

Your universe is a hack. See, it's not really all that well put together. From time to time it needs maintenance. Things fall part. Like galactic clusters. They do that when local laws of gravity get rescinded. So, this universe being in the rundown part of totality, it needs special attention. It was advertised as a nice fixer-upper universe and came greatly marked down off normal universe prices. But really what are you saving once you figure in all the labor?

We had to import several quintillion quadric light-years of matter to build a set of struts to hold the universe together in such a way that in today's buyers market helps move universes. We formed these struts out of massive particles far more dense than average matter and not generally found naturally occurring. We had to ship in the matter in normal varieties and compact it into what we like to call ultradense noninteractives. We didn't want all this extra matter warping anything past the space-time curvature and thus gravity, so it's almost completely invisible to any sort of electromagnetic based scans. That was also convenient so the indigenous species of this universe didn't all of a sudden over the course of an eon notice bars the length of a thousand galaxies stretching all throughout their universe in a spindly web of containment.

We understand that this new unnatural phenomenon has confused some of this universe's more backwards races that are advanced enough to know about space-time expansion and collapse but not yet advanced enough to be able to detect our ultradense noninteractive particle struts. Apparently there is some serious debate among them as to whether their universe will ultimately either expand infinitely at an ever increasing rate or eventually contract and collapse in upon itself. There are several variables involved they are unaware of, and depending on future activity, will alter the outcome. Honestly, we don't really care, as we plan on fixing a few cosmological constants and altering the ambient background radiation to lavender before moving on and selling this universe at a nice markup for all our hard efforts.