Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Bird Toilet

Just in case you ever wondered what happens when a bird finds a favorite branch in a tree, here's a picture I took of a tree in my yard. Yikes.

So, sorry about the gross pictures; I promise the next image will be of a bunny and a kitten touching noses under a rainbow left by a gumdrop shower. I PROMISE!

Monday, June 12, 2006

A Nasty World

Certain corporations are running amok. I won't mention them or what they do, but instead, I'll transcribe this telephone conversation intercepted by the NSA a while back.


"Well, good evening sir! I'm Frederick Jackson and I'm with MegaCom Incorporated. We're pleased to supply your communication needs and I've been authorized to offer you a special offer to help you and your business needs."


"For a low, low fee, we will boost your telephone service quality and reliability to all customers who call you. Now what would you say to that?"

"I guess that sounds good."

"Excellent. Now, all you'll need to do is pay a small fee for each customer that calls you for the great quality we will provide you."

"So my customers won't be paying for the call, like a toll-free number?"

"No, they'll still be billed by their phone company for the call."

"Then why am I paying extra? Do I pay this fee instead of my normal phone bill?"

"No, you'll still pay that too, but you'll get great audio quality and quicker connections to your customer that will enable you..."

"Hold on. So I have to pay extra just to be connected to my customers like normal?"

"No! Nothing like normal sir! Extranormal! You'll receive nothing but the finest audio quality and quickest connection to your customer, great for..."

"I don't think I'm interested, I'm happy with my service as it is, thank y..."

"But you wouldn't want to miss any calls would you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, let's just say that it's a nasty world out there with all sorts of calls being sent every which way. and it'd be easy to lose a few here and there. Or maybe your calls will get through; in a mere matter of minutes. Sir, this plan..."

"Wait a minute, this sounds like extortion! I'm not paying you any protection fees!"

"Sir, I assure you this is perfectly legal. We have, after all, spent billions making it legal. Also, don't be surprised if phone companies other than call offering the same deal. They'll want to get their cut as well..."

"Well, you can all take your protection and go to hell! ... Hello?"


"Hello? ...Shit."

If this seems ludicrous to you. It should.

To Everything

To Everything, there is a season,
A time to croak,
And a time to croak.

Yes, thank you ladies and gentlemen, I'll be here all week.

Yes, that frog is dead, and yes, it's being eaten by tadpoles, possibly it's own. There were probably thirty swarming its back, but I couldn't get a get a good shot with the reflection off the pond.

Friday, June 09, 2006

The Unfriendly Skies

John was running late for his plane and couldn't take any more delays, but there he was, taking off his shoes for airport security. "This is ridiculous," he spouted. "Someone tries to sneak a shoe-bomb, so now we have to check our shoes! What happens if someone hides a bomb inside a prosthetic hand? Do we all have to chop off our hands to prove they're not bombs?" The guard checking John continued his search quietly. "Now that I think of it, I oughta pay someone to rig up a bra-bomb just to get caught. You know, terrorists these days are capable of anything. After that, maybe we should start checking bras. I'm sorry ma'am, but we'll have to see your bra" he imitated. The guards were not amused, taking their responsibilities of protecting freedom seriously. "Be careful of my laptop bomb!" John thought about saying, but at least had enough sense to know when he had taken something far enough for his crowd.

John settled down, having vented, and continued on to make it on the plane without further incident. Upon reaching his seat, he unpacked his laptop and started getting ready for a little work on the flight. Before takeoff, another man, running late as well, took his seat next to John. It turned out to be an old business partner from his days just after college. It wasn't until they were in the air that John placed him, "Bill! I almost didn't recognize you!" John began as he turned to face Bill. As the two caught up briefly, John turned back to notice his laptop was missing. "Bill! My laptop's gone!" he said in a hushed tone, "It's been stolen."

Bill answered, "Well, we know the thief has to be on board, there's no way to escape!"

"Yeah, you're right," John thought for a moment. After thinking with no thoughts volunteering, John quickly jumped up and shouted, "All right! Nobody move!" his next words would have been "Someone on this plane has my laptop", but the air marshal on board didn't wait for it.

It turned out that there were worse things than being late for a plane.


Fight the Power

I know, I know, great inspiration.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Darn you Internet!

The Internet has struck again! This time, it's ruffled some feathers with the right-wing group, Fundamentalists Upholding Christ's Kingdom. District spokesperson, Mrs. Stevens sent me an angry letter today that ran on incoherently for about 27 pages. Posted here is an excerpt extolling ignorance and condemning free speech. I'm not sure why she sent this to me, except that she probably hasn't quite figured out how to run that blasted Internet contraption yet:

And I can't believe they would let anyone disparage our president online! They ought'nt let that trash on the Internet. And did you realize that any child can easily access the Internet. They can! Now while I enjoy using the Internet to share tuna casserole recipes with my Aunt Mildred, there are also many further dangers lurking on the Internet in the form of "web pages". These "web pages" can contain things like profanity (h*** or d***), violence, lingerie advertisements, and open minds. Clearly, the computer is a dangerous place for youngsters. Now, while I would normally suggest barring all access to children to computers, there are also many benefits. Computers can teach valuable lessons to children through educational software and the good parts of the Internet that teach us to be intolerant of people different than us. Rather than spending any time watching what my children do online and talking to them about what is acceptable and what is not in a calm and responsible manner, I find that screaming at the top of my lungs from the top of the kitchen counter wielding twin butcher knives is a far more effective deterrent. Also, there are software program applications available that will allow you to block offensive content. If you change the settings correctly, only five websites will be available, which should make policing your child's web browsing easier.

Well, I hope someone does something about it.

More on Internet Censhorship

On a side note, I've been receiving tuna casserole recipes from this woman for years.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Date Fraud

Apparently, date fraud is a big problem for all those folks in Internet-ville. The following is a totally real, definitely not-made-up scene illustrating the problems facing those who have been victims of date fraud:

sExYgAl221> hi there
h0td00d> hello
sExYgAl221> so ru a h0td00d?
h0td00d> of cours
h0td00d> and ru a sexygal?
sExYgAl221> oh, yea. I am defnitly a sexy gal
h0td00d> that's good, because I'm totally a man
h0td00d> a hot man
sExYgAl221> awsom
h0td00d> totaly
sExYgAl221> so, asl?
sExYgAl221> well, al?
h0td00d> 26, realtown. u?
sExYgAl221> 28, Notmadeupville
h0td00d> cool, babe
sExYgAl221> wanna hang out sumtime?
h0td00d> sur thng babe
sExYgAl221> kewl, when?


Later that evening in front of a mall, a young lady stands by a corner, apparently waiting for someone. She continually looks around while pacing somewhat in a circle. Shortly, a young man strolls up looking around curiously. They say nothing to each other. After some time, both of them obviously aggravated, they look at each other as realization finally dawns.

"Hot dude?" says the young man.

"Sexy Gal?" says the young lady.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006


I posted this somewhere else sometime trying to be as facetious and, erm, hyperbolic as I could, but it turns out that truth is worse than fiction:

Dear [Consumer],

We thank you for your purchase of:

Jimi Hendrix live at Woodstock DVD

We regret to inform you that making a personal copy for listening outside of the DVD is not permitted under the terms of the contract you agreed to upon opening the packaging. Please do not attempt to pirate this audio, much in the same way that bloodthirsty, scurvy savages would surely do upon the Seven Seas after murdering a family and stealing their possesions.

If you wish to listen to this said DVD, please purchase the audio version on CD. If you wish to listen on you computer, you also need to buy it from our online store wrapped in our value-enhancing DRM. If you also wish to listen on a portable audio device, such as an iPod, you will need to buy a further license for that device. It's very simple and we offer you this service as a means to better serve you, the customer. Additionally, if you plan to let others listen to this music or play it in such a manner as to allow passersby to inadvertantly hear as much as a single note, you will need our conveniently priced group license for as cheap as $500 per listener.

Again, we thank you for your purchase and hope you will continue to rebuy this product as new formats arise.


The Law Goons at the RIAA

P.S. We're also gonna need your soul if you plan on listening to that music more than once.