Hell is a Real Place (p5)

Part 4

What makes you think I'll end up in hell, let alone some inner circle?" John started. "Wait. Why aren't there any French in this part of hell?"

"The French are automatically disqualified for getting off as easy as this. If you're French, you'd better hope you're a saint. Or an atheist." Baram chuckled. John couldn't tell if he was being serious or not. "But you, I can see the taint of sin all over your soul. No way, you'll end up in heaven, not at this rate. And definitely not the vacation spot of hell. And I'm not joking either. This really is a vacation spot in hell. They'll say,'Gee I sure am tired of all these molten dung pits filled with the remains of tortured souls. Let's go to Outer Discordia for a nice lava bath and soul straining.'" John still couldn't tell if Baram was joking.

"Wait a minute. I think I understand now. I _am_ still drunk. This is all just a vision and you're just a figment of my imagination. Maybe even part of my conscience, trying to make me feel guilty about all the drinking."

"Excuse me?" Baram blurted, insulted once again.

"I," John began, but Baram had already zoomed up into his face, wings flapping vigorously, and smacked John hard with the back of his tiny opened imp hand. One might assume at this point that the slap of an imp was a slight offense, but John was of another opinion. "What was that for?"

"Let's just say it was for flagrant stupidity!" Baram snapped. "I mean, I know humans are self-centered, but come on. Do you have to insult the possibility of my very existence? The whole world must revolve around you, huh? Is that it? Well, I got news for you kid: Hell wasn't built in a day and it's a lot bigger than both of us. You'd be a hell of a lot better off if you were just dreaming, but you're not."

"Well, how can I be sure? Maybe that's what you'd say in my dreams too."

Baram whipped around faster than leaving church and lashed John across the face with his spiked tail.

"Damnit! Stop doing that!"

"Convinced I'm real yet? Do your dreams hurt?" Baram snickered.

"Okay, okay. You're real. I admit it. Happy?"

"No, remember how we're in hell?"

"Yeah. Why don't you just tell tell me how the hell to get out of here."

Baram kicked John in the chin, his sharp toenails digging into John like five ants assaulting Mt. Beard.

"Now what the hell was that for?" John exclaimed.

Baram kicked him with his other foot.

"Stop it!"

"That was for the overuse of a hell related colloquialism while in hell. Do you have any idea how tiring that becomes? Everyone thinks they're a comedian. 'Hyuk, hyuk. Look where I ended up. It's a hell of a place.' Lucifer dammit."

"Look! You just did it too! You said dammit in hell!" Baram glared at John. "For God's sake, don't hit me!"

"Just be glad that I'm the only one down here on your ass. That and that I'm in my cursed form. My real self would rend your soul or some other nonsense; I've lost the knack of demonic threats over the millenia.

John started to look perplexed then resigned, "Oh, I'm not even going to ask."

"Good."