Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Untold History of the World

or, How Martians Almost Took Over the World

Sometime in the early 15th century, Germany was invented. Up until then, Germans had nowhere to live. This made them an angry people. Luckily they had their beer and this staved off many wars for quite some time. Eventually, they got so angry that not even beer was enough to settle them. In fact, they became more like angry drunks who are even worse once they drink too much. You can imagine the world's consternation once this happened. A lot of wars occurred. This was a bad thing for many involved. But eventually things did settle down a bit. The Germans became peaceful again and started making good beer and well crafted automobiles. The Germans were never to be heard from again.

But then, the Germans were heard from again! Adolf Hitler broke out of crazy prison and took over Germany! This was a bad thing, but now all the Germans were lazy drunk again and just went along with him, kind of like when you humor your kids when they say they want to be an astronaut but you know they really probably just be a plumber or a trashman. But it turns out that as bad as Hitler was at being a sane person, he was just as good at building murder machines!

Meanwhile, the French were too snooty to even realize how dangerous their position had become. In case you didn't know, France built almost its entire country next to Germany. This, it turns out, was not a good place to have built it. They probably should have built it closer to Norway. Or maybe Canada. There's a lot of French in Canada, so they wouldn't be lonely. Plus, they would be closer to America for when they made fun of them. But not so close as actual have to smell them. That would be bad, because of the smell of Americans. Luckily, smell only travels south -- right into Mexico -- so they would be okay if they did that.

But anyway, France did get built right next to Germany, so they were in all kinds of trouble. I know I haven't mentioned the Martians yet, but I'm getting to that. And actually, just so you know, I am also foreshadowing the events relating to the Martians just so it will be more dramatic later on. Some of the things that happened were because of them!

While France was busy giving up to Germany, America was busy just being an average country and not getting involved with scary wars. But something unexpected happened right about this time. It is unclear exactly what happened, but something changed. Some think it might have been some kind of chemical, or maybe radiation from the nuclear, but I personally think it involved spider bites. But anyhow, America became a superpower at this time. So naturally, they decided to get involved in the war and beat up all the bullies that were picking on them from before.

Now about this same time as America was mutating into something awesome, Japan started getting the itch much like Germany to also take over the world. It is theorized that since Japan already had roughly the same type of robots that Hitler was using for world domination, they could be doing the same. Heretofore, all they had used robots for was reenacting old plays and musicals on a very large scale. As Japan moved east, they ran into the Hawaiian Empire who had just then signed a peace treaty with America that would allow an American boat manufacturing plant to be built right there in their water! But it wasn't just any boats! It was war boats!

This was probably about the worst time for Japan's sake for them to bomb America, so by the laws of dramatics, this is what they did. Much like their pilots, Japan was the Kamikaze country. Everyone knows you don't mess with Superman, and that is essentially what Japan was doing. They were tugging at the collective cape of America, much like that time that Finland nearly conquered the world, just before they were brought down by a rabid badger. Many do not know, but the unofficial mascot of America during this time was a rabid badger.

And boy, did the Americans unleash the hurt on Japan. After shooting lasers from its eyes and sending its boat army to surround Japan, America destroyed just about every city in Japan with their new secret mega-weapon, developed by Jews -- who are not only good with money but also know how to make a pretty good bombs. They were also kind of pissed off from where Hitler primarily used his murder machines on Jews and had hoped the bombs would be used to explode Hitler. Perhaps by sneaking the bombs into Hitler's spaghetti and meatballs. Hitler loved him some meatballs. Many thought this was a good plan, to make Hitler a dish of spaghetti with nuclear-meat-bombs, but right about that time Hitler became a vegetarian because of all the animal cruelty. So anyway, America used the Jew bombs on Japan instead and pretty much won that part of the war.

And Japan was only the first stop of the pain train. Next stop: Germany! Having used all the bombs on Japan, the Americans actually had to go over to Germany to blow them up in person. The first step was to save the French, who had at this point, pretty much become Germany Part Two. Since France had given America the Statue of Liberty to protect their borders, the Americans felt guilty after having laughed at France for getting taken over so easily. So, the Americans landed in the resort town of Normandy and took a few weeks off after having gotten very tired fighting all those battles. Even super-powered countries need to rest sometimes too.

Russia, at the time, just got the news that there was a world war going on. News was often slow getting to Russia in these days, mostly because none of the mailmen wanted the Russia delivery route. Russia was thinking that Germany had over-extended itself and that now was a good time to take it over and get all their beer. The Russians will pretty much do anything for more alcohol -- anything to make them forget; forget that they live in Russia.

All in all, it was a bad time to be Germany. They were doing so well at first but hadn't counted on every one else teaming up against them all at once. Hitler claimed this was unfair, but nobody listened. In the end, as America was knocking on Hitler's door and Russia was breaking into his cellar, someone discovered the Martians! I told you they were coming up!

It turns out that this whole war thing was all a big ploy to take over Earth. The Martians had given the Germans their recipe for lazy beer so they would follow Hitler. They also sprung Hitler from crazy prison and taught him how to build the robot death squads. And finally, having feared the Germans would then be too powerful and take everything over they infected America with whatever it was that made them a superpower. This is what the Martians wanted. They wanted Earth to be weakened by war so they could take over easily and start a health food store there.

But all of Earth's countries got together and ended the war when they found the Martians were the real enemy and made a bunch of new bombs to send to the Martian homeworld: Mars. That is why no one lives on Mars today, it was blown up in the last battle of Worlds War II. Now it is a mostly barren still smoldering rock that mostly only interests NASA who is trying to see if any germs survived all the exploding. And all of Earth has lived in peace ever since.

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